This piece explores the concept of non-resistance as a potent tool for healing, forgiveness, and personal growth.

Non-resistance is the way of water. -Lao-Tzu

Understanding Non-Resistance

Have you ever wondered why, no matter how hard you try, no matter how badly you wish for something to change, it persists? I’d be surprised if there was a person alive for whom this has not happened at some point in their life (and consistently for most of us). Maybe a monk somewhere in the Himalayas is immune. For the rest, toiling over this is a part of living. At least, until we understand a seemingly esoteric concept first elucidated (to my knowledge) by Lao-Tzu in the Tao Te Ching over 2200 years ago.

Let’s be honest: non-resistance sounds like the opposite of what most of us believe we need to do when things aren’t going our way. How can we change if we don’t resist what isn’t working? You may have heard the cliché, resistance breeds persistence, and thought, okay, I get it, but they don’t mean that literally. But we do. As long as you resist whatever the current circumstance is, you are assuring that whatever stands in the way of transformation will stay right where it is, blocking the path forward.

Non-resistance is difficult to define because of its non-dual nature. To those of us living in the world, trying to figure out how to navigate it, non-dual concepts can often seem like paradoxes. This is true for non-resistance. The paradox appears to be that if we don’t force change how is it achieved? And conversely, if we relax into (aka surrender) whatever our current state is, aren’t we conceding our right to change? On the surface, these questions are rational (rational is often the enemy of paradoxical truth), but, in experience, it’s not what happens.

We’ve all experienced what happens when we let go. Maybe we gave up because we were exhausted, trapped, or just couldn’t solve the problem, and then, seemingly out of nowhere, there was a shift or an insight that led us in the right direction. Some people might attribute this to a higher power, luck, or coincidence, but it’s really just how things work.

One of the trickiest aspects of non-resistance is understanding that it is not the same as inaction. An example can help illustrate this point. Let’s say you’ve been working hard to find a new job. You took everyone’s advice and did all the right things. but it just isn’t happening. Then, you decide that the world is broken, and you resign yourself to a life doing work you hate. By responding this way, you are certainly not resisting the reality that your dream job isn’t showing up. But you are resisting a neutral reaction to the situation. This judgment-laden reaction (life sucks, isn’t fair, etc.) is resisting what is. Alternately, in the same situation, which could be caused by factors entirely outside the jobseeker’s control, you accept what is happening. Maybe you stop applying for jobs, but rather than making it mean something, you relax into what is happening. Then, when it feels natural to resume your efforts, you do so. This isn’t effortless but it is yielding, allowing.

Do you see the distinction? Some may call it nuance, but non-resistance is paradoxical because it’s precisely the opposite. It’s not nuance. Learning to go with the flow in this way redefines the experience of one’s life. It may appear the same to the outside observer, but to the person who has learned not to resist, it is an entirely different experience. We give effort, pay attention, yield, give effort, pay attention, yield. This cycle facilitates authentic and enduring change.

The Ways We Resist

To understand non-resistance, we need to recognize how we habitually resist. We resist through judgment, labeling experiences as good or bad. We resist through attachment, clinging to how we think things should be. We resist through avoidance, pushing away difficult emotions or memories. These forms of resistance create tension in our minds and bodies, perpetuating cycles of suffering.

Non-resistance invites us to soften our grip on these habits. It asks us to observe what is happening with curiosity rather than judgment, to feel our emotions without getting caught in the story, and to accept what is even as we work towards positive change.

Noting the behavior of water in nature (i.e., rivers, oceans, rain showers…) is a potent analog for understanding the power of non-resistance. Water created the Grand Canyon, defines and redefines coastlines, and sometimes, tragically, wipes out communities. Water etches landscapes, yet it never acts outside of its nature. It is constantly yielding to the path of least resistance. Yet, none of us questions its power. The same can be said for mastering non-resistance in our lives (or, at a minimum, in our healing). There is no position more powerful to take than that of yielding to what is (inside us, around us, past, present). Think of the positions we take, whether with judgment, attachment, or avoidance, as the ground beneath the river. The earth persists in holding its position (resistance), and the river flows, gradually and inevitably weathering away whatever blocks it. All diversions are temporary.

Non-resistance begins with awareness. It asks us to honestly acknowledge our thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations without assigning relative value to them. We are taught to analyze and intellectualize all the data that comes in through our senses and how we react to that data. Sometimes that’s a good thing. Other times, it’s a barrier to healing. When we judge our emotions as good or bad, we create resistance, preventing us from fully processing and releasing the pain that holds us back. These labels can be useful for seeking justice, adapting behavior, and redefining relationship dynamics, for example. We just have to learn when they help and when they hinder.

The Link Between Non-Resistance and Forgiveness

In the context of overcoming painful attachment to something that happened in the past (i.e., forgiveness), the resistance may be to feelings we have about what happened, or to revisiting the story with an open mind. We may also resist feeling empathy for the wrong-doer or compassion for ourselves if we hurt someone. We may resist experiencing how our body responds to any of these inputs.

When we resist in these ways, we undermine our capacity to forgive because forgiveness is the process of transforming anger, resentment, or shame into affirmative expressions such compassion, self-love, and empathy. These shifts happen naturally over time, but if we constantly double down on our interpretations and beliefs, we deny ourselves the opportunity to recover. The story serves us until it doesn’t. If we cling to the hurt and resentment, replaying the story, we perpetuate suffering. This resistance manifests not only in our thoughts but also in our bodies, creating tension, pain, and even illness.

On the other hand, non-resistance allows us to approach forgiveness from a place of openness and curiosity when the time is right (don’t force or rush it). Instead of focusing on blame and judgment, we create space to see things in new ways—perhaps with more empathy, understanding, or accountability.

Cultivating Non-Resistance: A Practice, Not a Destination

Here are a few practices that can help you cultivate non-resistance in your daily life:

• Meditation: Pay attention to the present moment without judgment. Regular meditation can increase awareness of thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations, making it easier to identify and release resistance as it arises. Try this little practice: When you wake up tomorrow morning, think about what you’re thinking about. Do you start judging the moment your eyes open? I’m too cold. Oh, no, is it raining again? I’m really not looking forward to work today. Notice. Then, try instead to shift your mind to observing. No evalution, just noticing. See if you can sense the difference.
• Embodied Awareness Exercises: Somatic exercises, yoga, even Rolfing, and massage are tools we can use to improve our connection with our bodies. That connection teaches us things our hearts and minds do not know. The point is to increase the feedback loop between thoughts and feelings, and physical sensations in the body.
• Journaling: By putting pen to paper, we break the cycle of self-deception most humans possess. When something difficult or hard to comprehend happens, our minds have a way of wiping it from our consciousness before we have time to process it. Tricky! Writing (or audio-journaling) is a great way to short-circuit this tendency.

Embracing the Journey

In the journey toward forgiveness, embracing non-resistance offers us a powerful tool for personal transformation. Rather than pushing against our emotions or judgments, we learn to flow with them, just as water shapes the landscapes it moves through without force. This practice invites us to release the stories and attachments that keep us anchored in the past, creating space for healing and renewal. As we foster non-resistance, we open ourselves to a more compassionate, graceful approach to life—one that allows us to meet each moment with poise, acceptance, and a sense of peace. Remember, it’s not about perfection but practice; each step brings us closer to a deeper sense of freedom.